Lost

When will I break out of this shell? When will I be free? When will I be comfortable in my own skin? I want to break out; I'm on the verge, but I can't. Every time I get close, close to breaking forth, I clam up, shut down, keep the world around me out. It's so lonely in here, but it's safe, familiar. Why would I want to leave? I need to, this shell has nothing to offer me. If anything, it holds me back, prevents me from doing so much. One day, I will shine through, but until that day comes, what shall I do?

It hurts, and I feel lost. I'm stumbling through life, seemingly afraid of everything, of nothing.

There is one solution, and only one. Prayer. I forget sometimes Who my refuge is. There is no way I can get through this on my own.

Life

My heart is light and joyful,
My spirit is heavy and burdened.
When will this madness ever end?
Shall I keep plugging along on this endless road?
Or shall all my troubles melt away?
The key to life is balance:
A heart and spirit of the same,
In union with one another.
Take one day at a time, for,
"Tomorrow shall worry about itself."

C: Amen.

A little background on this post. Last summer, I attended my first Higher Things Conference, titled "Amen", and loved it. Higher Things is a Lutheran youth organization dedicated to providing instruction to young people regarding Biblical truth and Lutheran confessions. Every summer, they hold a conference to provide youth the opportunity to learn through catechesis, worship daily, and enjoy some of the attractions in and around the conference location. I learned a lot and am very thankful that I was given the opportunity to go. In response to my attendance in Irvine, California, I wrote an article that was published in the September newsletter at my home congregation. Looking back, as I continue to struggle each and every day inwardly with my faith, I have decided to retype (I opted NOT to copy and paste) the article I wrote as much to refresh my memory as to provide a little more insight into who I am.

Amen: Higher Things Youth Conference 2008

As I have matured into a young adult, one of the things I have struggled with is understanding what my faith is and what it means to me where I am in this space and time. Sure, I have been taught that Christ died on the cross and rose for me and that "faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" (Hebrews 11:1). But in this day and age, how does all of this relate to me when society places so much emphasis on feelings and emotions? How can faith mean anything when I am "not good enough" and I have broken every commandment and rule in existence? No, living by faith alone can't be worth anything to me. It's just not for me. Or is it?
Contrary to what today's society would have me and everybody else believe, faith is not based on anything that I can or ever will be able to accomplish. That's why we believe that "it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--not by works, so that no one can boast" (Ephesians 2:8-9). We can never do anything to save ourselves! It is all God's doing. So then, that is the definition of faith--a gift received by the grace of God. So how does faith respond to this gift? One word--Amen.

Amen means "gift received." We say "Amen" to our Baptism, to the Pastor's proclamation of God's absolution, to Holy Communion, and to the Commandments (for they too convey some of God's many gifts to us). Christ has done everything; all we do is believe and receive through the power of the Holy Spirit. It doesn't end there though. Amen means "Booyah", "What He said", and "Yes, yes, it shall be so." Amen means "Woof." (See Matthew 15:21-28)

Faith is not a feeling--it is an action, the action of receiving what is ours in Christ. I know now that what I do (in terms of keeping or breaking the law) or what I feel about what Christ did for me doesn't play a role at all in my salvation. Only faith's "Amen" assures me of what Christ has done for me and for you.

So now I can say with a humble heart "Amen" not only to God's gifts that I receive each and every Sunday during worship and throughout the week, but I can say "Amen" to the opportunity God has given me to go to this conference and learn more about what He has done for me. I thank God and everyone in this congregation, especially the youth parents, Randy Bruns, our chaperone, the Board of Parish Education, for supporting and allowing Ian, Kara, Andrew, Ryan, Tyler, and myself this opportunity to grow in our faith.

To conclude, as Paul aptly put it, "May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all" (2 Corinthians 13:14).

AMEN!

A Lot of Nothingness . . . Or is it?

Yeah, this eighteen credit-hour thing, not so great an idea. Or maybe it will be, once I get past this week and keep on top of life. Of course, it's probably not as bad as I think it is. Still, so much to do and so little time to do it, but then again today is Monday (the worst day of the week), so it's not really a good indicator of how the rest of the week will go.

OK, so now that I feel a little bit better about ranting about this week, how about getting to the point of this post? Really, I just titled it this because I have so much to put in it about so many random topics. So, instead of posting lots of posts (because I haven't gotten around to posting more often), I have decided to post one big gigantic one. Next topic.

I shall rant a bit more for starters, this time about the organ. Out-of-tune, squeaky pedals, individual notes that don't work, and while I can live with all of this, I can't stand the shudders that are stuck open. I have no control over my volume; that annoys me a bit. End-of-story.

Continuing on, I'd like to take this opportunity to comment on social life, in particular my lack thereof. I do see that I've grown a bit since coming to college. It has helped coming to a school where I started out knowing no one (save the one person that came from my high school who I rarely see). It forced me to get to know people. Like I said, it has gotten easier in some respects, but still, I find it hard to talk to people I don't know very well, and to find the courage to go and ask questions of people when I need help. Oh well, it is only the start of my second semester, so I do still have time to learn and grow.

Unlike the above few points, these next few paragraphs are more serious and important, I feel. I started going to IV(Inter Varsity) this semester. For whose who may not know, IV is an on-campus Christian organization that regularly holds Bible studies and get-togethers. So what, big deal! Why include this bit of information in a post? For me, it is a very big deal because I was raised as a very traditional and conservative LCMS (Lutheran Church Missouri Synod) Lutheran, and as such, I hold very firm to my beliefs. I have nothing against others who maybe more contemporary than I, but I am a person who fears the unknown. I fear ending up in discussions about topics that are theologically and doctrinally different and being unable and unprepared to defend my position. However, after much thought, I have come to the following conclusions.

• I need to be in fellowship with others my age. Unfortunately, at the Lutheran church down here, I am the only college student that attends on a regular basis. While I do need to go to church, I also need to be with other Christians my age because, even if they do not share exactly the same beliefs, they provide something that the older adults in the congregation can not.
• So what if our beliefs aren't the same? They will bring new perspectives to the table that will teach me something I never knew, and likewise, hopefully they will learn something from my unique perspective.
• I will have questions. This is a good thing because it will force me to do some study and research that I might not otherwise do. If I don't know the answer, I can always say "I don't know, but give me a week to do some research and I'll get back to you on it." Besides, I have some great resources at my disposal: several pastors, my grandparents (my grandpa is a pastor), and a Concordia Self-Study Bible. Plus, I could always contact someone at Higher Things (a Lutheran youth organization) since they are specifically trained to help high school and college age students.

Above all, the best thing that I can do is pray. I may be difficult at first, but I have come to acknowledge that being a part of IV is a great opportunity, and I look forward to growing in my faith through this experience.

I have more to say, but this is turning out to be a lengthy post, and it's almost eleven o'clock at night, so I'll save the rest for later.

The End of the Semester

Great place to start, right, at the end of something. This ending though, it's really the beginning of something. It was the first semester of college, and by surviving this first semester, I've truly closed one chapter of my life in order to open another. Why would the first semester be the close of the chapter though? Don't they always say that graduation from high school is that conclusion? Let me explain.

Graduation for me felt surreal, almost like it wasn't going to be the end of life as I knew it. Sure there was a big party with family and friends. That didn't happen at the end of every school year. And there was senior project. A project that big and encompassing wasn't assigned every year either. Still, I felt like life would go on without change. The summer after graduation was like that too. Yes, I was packing up my stuff and making sure I had everything I needed for college in the fall, but the fact that I was leaving home hadn't sunk in yet. In fact, I don't think it ever really "sunk in." I think going to college was one of those life experiences I just took as it came without question, but that's beside the point. The first semester was all about transitioning, discovering who I am and who I will become, separated from most everything I've ever known. It's coming back home, at the end of semester, that has made me realize I'm not the same as I was when I left home three, four months ago. Yeah, I have the same personality I did then, but I'm still different, more . . . adult, I guess. That's why I feel that now is the beginning of the next chapter. Now is where I continue my growth, not under the shadow of my parents' roof, but on my own, away from home.

Disclaimer

I suppose the title of this blog might turn some people away--"It's just another religious fanatic complaining about life." Yes, I'm Christian, and yes, I do complain about life, sometimes, but the two don't have anything to do with each other most of the time, the complaining and the religion that is. The point of this blog is to give my unique perspective on life and to be a place for me to let loose whatever happens to be on my mind. It will be about a variety of things: music, religion, politics, college, relationships, and life in general. As you will see, my next post is sort of a combination of college/life in general. I hope that others will be able to relate to how I view what's going on around me and perhaps learn something about me as a person that doesn't reveal itself in day-to-day exchanges (I'm kind of a shy person, and I realize that probably makes it hard for people to get to know me). Either way, I hope this blog proves to be an enlightening experience.